Being Parisian

I have lived in Paris for almost 6 months now. No, my French isn’t much better (thanks English speaking tourists), and no, I don’t have a dog. But I feel like I am still qualified to give anyone interested “Parisian Lessons.” This is different than French lessons. This is how to BE Parisian. In 5 steps:

Step One: Dress

Here in Paris, you must always be fashionable. If you’re a teenager, the typical Parisian uniform is skinny jeans (dark denim, black, or grey), long shirt, scarf, leather jacket and Converses. If you’re over 20, substitute boots for the Converses. Teenage boys wear the same thing as teenage girls (making them rather hard to tell apart at times since neither of them have a chest of any sort). Over 20 boys, substitute a long sleeved button down with a sports coat and loafers and you’re set.

This is the same uniform that can be used in every situation: grocery shopping, errands, biking to work, dinner, clubbing – you name it.

If it is raining, you can choose from one of the following options: a) umbrella, b) leather jacket, c) Burbury trench coat, d) angry scowl that scares the rain away (see step 5 for further instructions).

Even when running you must either a) have all the latest and greatest gortex gear complete with i-pod pocket and brand new asics, or b) be dressed like you’re about to go to work in a polo and khaki pants.

Step Two: Size

Girls: In order to be Parisian, you must not have larger than a B cup. From the time you reach puberty to when you die. This includes pregnant women and old, fat gypsy.

Boys: You can’t weigh over 130 lbs – no matter how tall you are. The emaciated look is in. In order to accomplish this, you must stop eating. Despite being in the land of good food, and GREAT cheese, you must never eat. Smoking cigarettes to cut the craving is fine. But you must never actually consume the food. You can walk by a patisserie and give it a disdainful glare, but you must never show weakness on your slow road to a size 0.

Step Three: Places

True Parisians must never be seen at “touristy” sights until after dark, or if there is alcohol included. This is why you will never find a Parisian at the Louvre – it closes before it gets dark.

If you must be seen at a restaurant or near food, you must find one that does not offer a menu in English.

Step Four: Volume

Parisians do not yell. They do not laugh loudly (or really at all). They cannot be heard in a crowd. My laugh: not allowed. The high pitched, squealing, hyperventilating noise is generally frowned upon - or in more serious cases, shushed by a friendly local Parisian.

Step Five: Attitude

Smiling = not allowed. I’ve been working on my Parisian glare. Its not an easy look to get down. It’s a cross between “I’m bored”, “So what”, and “You are nothing”. Accomplished correctly, it forces everyone around you to realize that YOU are IMPORTANT and TOO BUSY to notice ANYTHING. It also makes dogs cower into submission and the sun shine a special light on your path. For you are OBVIOUSLY a TRUE PARISIAN.

So... I'm working on following these steps. I wear brown boots and black skinny jeans. I hate going to the Louvre. But unfortunately, I will always be a blonde, smiling Texas girl who loves bread and cheese and talking too loudly on the Metro. C'est la vie.