John's Last Tour

JohnnyPogo aka Johnny Rocket aka John is going home. Its a sad day for Fat Tire. This is the kid who on his first day of work (as the story goes) brought out this crazy pogo stick that would make you jump like 10 feet in the air - thus earning him the name "Pogo." A true Fat Tire hero.

So to celebrate, pretty much EVERYONE working for Fat Tire went on his last tour ever. This is the stuff that legends are made of.

We show, and John is wearing this blue highwater jump suit and has a Styrofoam sword in his hand. Nothing but the best. Already the majority of the guides are getting ready for the ride of their lives - they have all stocked up on Heineys and Eliza has some "special orange juice." I'm just there to document history in the making.

For the most part, the tour starts as usual (with the exceptions that this is the biggest tour ever...like 35 people.) We are soon on our way towards the BBTM lane. Franz has the video camera ready (and looks like Maverick out of Top Gun). No holds barred. Pulling out all the stops.

Now, if you've read my post about the BBTM lane - you know that this thing is ridiculous. But tonight... it was exceptional. At one point in time, our group got separated by a bus - so Mike (being the stellar ass-man that he is) pulled up his bike in front of the bus to allow everyone to go around it. The bus (on the other hand) did not appreciate this and started inching toward Mike... eventually ending in the bus bumping Mike's back tire. BAD NEWS BEARS! I have never seen Franz this angry. He threw his bike down, started yelling at the bus driver in French, and pounding on the bus door demanding to be let in. We were inches from seeing a real live throw down on the BBTM. I think the bus guy was pretty shocked by this, and he backed off pretty easily... kinda anti-climactic back out of control all the same.

We finally make it to Notre Dame. No one's roughed up. Awesome. So John lauches into his Notre Dame schpeil.

Now... there is another Fat Tire legend about a tour guide named Jason on the bridge at Notre Dame that many tour guides (including John) like to tell to their groups. On Jason's last night, he gets one of his friends to go on his tour incognito. Just an average backpacker. He gets another one of his friends to dress up in the full Superman regalia - tights, cape, everything. While riding down the Blvd St. Germain, Superman kept weaving in and out of the group and cussing at them in French. Jason just tells everyone to play it cool, and they'll lose the crazy Superman guy. So eventually, Superman goes away, and Jason continues on his ride. Now, at the Notre Dame stop, Jason also goes into his schpiel - he cracks some corny joke about the hunchback of Notre Dame being really disfigured ; and his friend kinda starts sniffling and says, "Jason, the hunchback is my favorite Disney character of all time. You have really offended me." Jason just replies, "Oh, I'm so sorry sir. I promise I won't make anymore lame jokes about the hunchback." But his friend won't have it - "No. You have really offended me. I'm leaving" and starts to walk over to his bike. Jason stops him - "Sir. I can't let you take a bike. You're going to have to take the metro." At this point in time, his friend (the backpacker) is angry - "I don't want to ride my bike. I don't want to take the metro. I'm going to swim!", he yells and runs and jumps off the bridge into the Seine!! Jason looks over the edge and sees the guy struggling and calls out, "Sir! Are you ok?!" "No!" he replies, "I can't swim!" Jason (seeing the guy flailing) is like, "I'm a tour guide! I must save him!" takes a running start and swan dives into the water.

Now - the plan was, that Jason would haul his friend over to the steps where Superman would rush in and save the day. But when they finally get to the steps, its not Superman waiting, but 3 gendarmes. Apparently, you're not allowed to swim in the Seine (something about it being a high traffic river). But Jason tells them the whole story in broken French about it being his last tour and how his entire group was on the bridge watching them, and how he had to finish it. The gendarms bust out laughing, escort Jason back to his group, and he does the rest of his tour soaking wet.

Good story, huh? So John tells this story, everyone laughs, and we go onto the next stop. But we know that something big is going to happen tonight... its just a matter of what... and when.

So, Berthillon's Ice Cream. Yummy... by this point in time, MORE tour guides have caught up with us (Graham, Kyle, me, Dmitry, Chris, Murray, Franz, Eliza, John P., Renee, Heather, Threkeld). We get ice cream, hang out, and John starts his next speech. Like usual, he's gesturing wildly with his Styrofoam sword. Suddenly - it flys out of his hand and into the river! Oh no! John must save it! He jumps over the railing and into the river! Ah!!! Kyle must save his roommate! Off he goes into the river!!! (I was laughing too hard to get a picture... but Franz has video... priceless.)

They climb back out, no gendarms, no problems. They may be covered in green slime, and parts of their bodies might rot off in the next week but that's ok. Hopefully they won't die from all the dirt/urine/pollution/worms/bacteria they swallowed. The Seine is not a pretty place to swim in.

But we continue on with the tour. After that, I think the temperature drops like 10 degrees - John is shivering... but I think everyone was laughing way too hard to think about how cold it was. The crowning moment of the night was our amazing pyramid in front of the Louvre.

All in all, between the dip in the Seine, the amazing pyramid, the champagne on the boat, I would have to say that this has all the makings of another Fat Tire legend. Man, I love my job.